THE NON DEMON DRINK.

J is going to hospital today, she will probably be away for a good four weeks maybe a little longer. In many respects I ought to be going with her but due to various constraining factors that is not currently possible. You see we both have the same condition in that we live with excruciating anxiety disorders that can make life unbearable at times and we both like to drink, Alcohol helps deal with the anxiety but it does not help with the depression we both live with, we medicate ourselves with depressants when we both take anti-depressants, which rather defeats the object of the initial exercise in taking the medication.

Up to around three years ago I had not had a drink for ten years or more, then I had a drink and in that time have managed three days without drinking not bad on 50+ units week average.

It is never the money that motivates me to stop, though this time I may well make the exception to the rule and enjoy having something to put aside each month. I also look forward to saying good bye to the hang overs and the shakes and generally feeling a lot healthier. I shall also be looking to get some kind of counselling or  go to AA meetings. Something I did not do the first time around.

I have found, as may some readers that when I choose to do anything in the affirmative to make positive steps to clear up my act, it gets poo poo-ed and people say it is your Irish blood  or that’s not much. It has nothing to do with your ancestral blood or the intake it is an addiction which is like any other illness you have to admit there is a problem before you seek help and then have the fortitude and willingness to undertake the cure.

I have J she is in safe hands, I also have the cats they don’t know I have an alcohol issue but are a great comfort at any time of day or night.

Gardening

Though the weather has been sunny this last week or so it has also at times been rather on the cold side. The sort of cold that makes you want to stay inside and do warm things.

I could have been doing a lot more of the warm things but was lazy, procrastinated and now have to start again.  Procrastination is a beastly thing and results in wasted time  from not doing stuff which is probably beneficial to ones well being and security. Today it was in my plans to do a load of internet stuff uploading artwork and editing artwork, that sort of thing. However the weather has been nice and warm, J suggested I go do some garden and work off some energy so I did, the only thing I did not do was mow the lawn, that can wait it gives the bugs somewhere to do their thing and feed. I am leaving the dandelions alone again, the Bee’s like them and I like Bee’s. The soil has been raked through and the rubbish has been dumped out of the way. The garden is looking nice and will I am sure be a picture come summer.

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It looks a bit tidier than a few years ago when all I had growing was a big bunch of weed, now there is grass and more grass and a pond and a couple of fruit trees as well. This patch of land provides a great amount of comfort, it provides peace of mind and is in a state of constant change, it beats anything in the papers,on the news and is a little haven to escape too.

There is an almighty big fat Pigeon that comes down in the early morning, that my old lady (Lulu the cat) tries to catch, the bird is far to smart  and swift of wing. Lulu has to content herself with the thing on a string instead, she is waiting for J to come back and fuss her more than I can.

Jessica writes

To say we are living in Interesting times would be an understatement. I do not think I have ever spent so much time on virtual lock down since I was put in  isolation during my school days, and that was due to the punitive regime in force, not any contagion or disease. You could say Public (private) school taught me  a couple of valuable life lessons, the other being making use of whatever it is you have at hand and occupying every moment you have with something to prevent madness setting in.

If you are lucky enough to live by yourself like I am and are by nature a bit of an introvert then you may well know where I am coming from, for someone who likes his dinner at a regular time and would rather go to the library than out clubbing I am in my element. I have the cats, The garden, my art and the laptop. Bingo! my only complaint is I am rather low on the Pasta front so may have to go out and look for some in the next couple of days.

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Throughout this last week of shutting myself away, the weather has been kind and the sun has shone. Despite the cold breeze it has been nice and I am glad it has not been wet and grey cause that would be no fun whatsoever. Some good news I started doing my annual planting of the seeds a few years ago with the idea, that some of them will turn into food, I now have baby plants sticking their heads up through the soil. The kitchen windowsill is working its magic again. I am using Greenhouse magic as well, but Beans  and Peas take a little longer. Everything is well wrapped up in Muslin so ought be snug and warm, the sun shall do the rest.

J is doing well and bearing her load with the fortitude and resilience of her people, she is in safe hands and we speak several times a day. She is largely absent of the news at the moment, so we laugh about politicians and family members instead.

Meanwhile I must give thanks for my continuing good health, my international dialling card and the multitude of stuff I can occupy myself with until such a time when things get back to normal, or should I say Less interesting.

 

 

Why we should drink tea

Tea is good for you it relaxes the mind and soul and is beneficial to the body as well. It cleans the blood, helps open the bowels and is proven to fight and destroy free radicals that invade the body.

As was said by British Prime minister  William Ewart Gladstone (1809-1898)

“If you are cold, tea will warm you;
if you are too heated, it will cool you;
If you are depressed, it will cheer you;
If you are excited, it will calm you.”

In these slightly annoying times where our elected representatives have asked us to stay home, it is all the more important to relax, chill out and take things as calmly as possible.  Some of us will laugh and others will be gnashing their teeth worrying about work and other things that are out of their control. If you are doing the latter two relax and put the kettle on, make a pot of tea and have a mug of the stuff. Alcohol will not help so much it will give you a headache and perhaps start arguments and stuff you do not need right now.

I just wanted to write I am missing J like fuck right now, she is in NY state which is on virtual lock down, I know she is safe and  in hospital she is having MH issues and that is the best place for her right now, she is safe. x

Today like yesterday the sun is out and it is quite warm, could you imagine being stuck at home  and pissing with rain outside? I hope you have sunshine where you are and you are all safe, as tiresome as it maybe it is better to stay home unless you really do have to go out, I have to go get a calling card later on so I can call J up later. Whether that is important enough for the authorities I do not care, it is important for J, Plus I am low on Tea. I did some painting last night and shall be postings stuff on here at some juncture. After this I shall potter around in the garden and do some stuff there.

One last thing My exes surname is Corona, like this bug she is contagious and not good for my health, this provides a good laugh when I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. have you tried Corona beer? It tastes like piss, I would far rather drink tea with a spoon of honey and no milk.

MOLLY

Relax, and make a pot of Tea

I have not written for a little while, I have been preoccupied doing other stuff.

Oils on paper WIP and work drying
a selection of oil based media drying out after being worked and other work drying before completion

As pretty much the whole world knows, we are in the grip of a new and potentially horrible disease, that is making lots of people unwell and sometimes killing them. it ought be remembered that diseases have been around since the time immemorial and sometimes diseases even kill people.

Just research Spanish Flu.

A few years ago, I dreamed a dream that there was a terrible plague doing the rounds and the Govt. had instructed everyone to stay home and preferably indoors. I am not certain if this applied to cats, nothing ever applies to cats does it. Anyway this dream went on as dreams do and the radio said people were dying and it was not looking so good. largely the same as things these last days and weeks.  fear is the biggest enemy and panicking is the second biggest for they go hand in hand. The panickers will strip the shops and leave the vulnerable with nothing. Just like in a disaster movie and i suspect this is the result of watching those type of films, especially for the ignorant and otherwise stupid members of society.

It is important in these troubling times to remain calm, to do as the Govt. (medical professionals) advise. take time to re-connect with family members, be creative, play board games, Turn off the TV and do the garden. Smile at your neighbours and wish them well. Speak to people (on the phone or via email) you have not spoken to for ages. Disconnect from fear and selfishness we are all in this together, even the rich and mighty amongst us get sick, fear respects no one and neither does disease. Tidy your home and go through your stuff, throw out what you don’t want anymore box it up and wait for a good day to take it to the charity store. Somebody will want your old stuff, learn to love yourself, your partner, your family members, your children that little bit more than you used to.

Easy for me to say?

The love of my life, my wife and my soulmate is currently in NY state, she is currently battling quite severe Mental health, has been very unwell of recent and has just been given the all clear for the Corona virus. However she is still unwell. We were due to have been together these last four weeks, twice we have had to cancel flights now and the pain of separation and uncertainty is unpleasant to say the least.

Turn off the TV, it only spreads fear and stops us communing with our nearest and dearest. Do the right thing and stay home. If you live alone (like me) then get on, provide structure to your day and maintain a positive attitude.IMG_20200320_132137

 

 

A TRUE STORY ABOUT GETTING DRUNK

This article is about Alcohol and the effects it has on the male teenage brain. It may get quite graphic so if you are of a sensitive disposition, please read on.

I only remember the beginning of this story and it’s subsequent aftermath. The bit in the middle was given to me by various third parties with whom I was at school with when it all happened.

My old school was a boarding school, a fine English public school (the sort where you pay to be educated) One of the perks we had was being allowed out of school bounds at weekends to go into the local town and socialise. In other words get drunk. It was around Mid October and an acquaintance  was celebrating his birthday and wanted to do something special to mark this happy day. It being a Saturday, and boring it was decided the best thing would be to go Midsomer N (The local town) and get drunk. Just like most weekends actually, Bath being the other option.  there were four of us the birthday boy who shall be referred to as B. A Spanish guy called M  and then there was C.  Another person declined, he said at the time he thought something awful would happen. He was right.

This is the point where the story becomes unclear. All I know we bought the drink and went out on top of the old slag heap. I remember a bottle of Coconut and Rum based drink in a white bottle. A bottle of nice Red I had pinched from my Dads wine cellar. I still have a morbid dislike of Coconut’s and their odour to this day. The Bottle of Red was Spanish and probably quite expensive. There would have been other drink as well. Most likely Whisky and Beer.

I do know we sang Happy Birthday as per tradition, we also sang it in French, though probably not very well. With writing My memories of this day seem to be coming back to me. Maybe there is a healing taking place here. I always recall C as being squeamish, it was not hard to make him gag and I do recall wanting to go toilet, I squatted behind a tree and probably used Pine needles. (gross, but necessary) The next bit? The turd was impaled on a stick and I chased my fellows around the summit of the heap. C went Green and gagged and the toilet got spread around a bit. I ought to mention here that my sense of humour can be somewhat inappropriate. Or at least used to be, it’s nice to think I have grown up a little bit since then.

I seem to recall some of the locals and their motorbike and C attempting to ride it. Something about loosing the clutch handle that rendered the thing useless and the owners being annoyed. This is what I recall and partly what was said to me later.

I do not remember running down the side of the heap and pulling a moony at a couple of Policemen. If you do not know what a moony is, it is the exposing of ones naked backside to some unsuspecting individuals or group of people. I guess choosing a pair of coppers was a bad idea. As was vomiting on their boots,  the same could be said for telling one or both of them to. “Fuck off Pork.” When they tried to pick me up.

According to the other witnesses the police wanted to take me in or at least back to the school, which being very noble and proper minded would probably have resulted in all sorts of bother. Anyway the offer was declined reasons being it would cause all manner of trouble, expulsions and that sort of thing. I would like to apologise at this point to A, M and C for the trouble this adventure must have caused. I have no idea how they got me home, but I did hear the  driver refused to take the unconscious, vomit covered public school boy, on his bus. So I guess they must have dragged/ carried me back ‘home.’ A distance of about 3 miles, it must have been nightmarish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A ROOM WITH A VIEW AND LOTS OF BOOKS

I have no idea of what to write about.  So I am going to write about something.

These last few days have been quite hectic, Hyper-ventilation, nervousness, anxiety a whole host of different things and feelings. And quite a lot of running around too. I have finally moved the desk/office up the stairs to the library where I can look out the window at the garden and be surrounded by books. It is more peaceful up here, the cats have found the bean bag and are fast alseep. It makes a change to have at least one of them using the desk as it’s roosting place. I know Cats don’t roost,but this one might as well.

All the art stuff is now on a big trestle table downstairs and I do not care if it gets covered in paint, in fact I am looking forward to that. If we have guests,I can throw a table cloth over it  and nobody will be none the wiser. career wise, the job centre seem to agree that it is pointless me looking for work I detest or am going to get pissed off with after 3 weeks. They want me to focus on what I like. I love and enjoy. Art, books, history and Alcohol, Actually I do not want to involve myself in Alcohol. (Apart from drinking it) Did I mention painting.  cause all I really want to do apart from learning and studying is to paint. Perhaps learning more on the rules of punctuation would help as well.

There are lots of new idea’s bustling around in my head, waiting to get out. I am looking forward to showing some on here as and when they materialise. I would love to write more, but really do have to look for work now.

I was looking for a job and I lost a job.

And heaven knows I am not miserable now.  (Apologies to Morrissey)

Did I mention, I do not have a job anymore? It is nothing unusual, the workplace and I do not seem to get along very well. Indeed the longest time I have held a job down for is a little over two years. At a rough reckoning I would say the average length of time between starting and finishing is 3-4 months.  The longer lasting ones push the average up, the rest of them, bring it back down. I am best off being self employed, be my own manager. That way I can hardly sack myself, if I were to do so, I could be reinstated the next morning, or the same day. Who knows?

I am done with food, making it,selling it or having anything to do with it. (Apart from  eating it) and  most things retail can F**K OFF.  I am considering sales (of what) and want to be an artist.  I can honestly say not much else interests me. Give me something creative and worthwhile to do, a decent salary would help.

Not being in work, provides me with lots more time to study and paint. This I have to say is the best thing about being ‘unemployed’

Triphammer falls, NY state USA
Oils on paper 2019-2020
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OIl on paper 2020. Model unknown

 

 

 

Work and that

So yet another year has passed, and for that matter so has  another job/employer. This time over signing a piece of paper. It would seem’s  my happy little brain is not very good at remembering such things. Never mind the place was badly run when I started there back last October and from there it has just got worse. Where else, would you find clothing and books ending up in the fridge next to the Yogurt and Cheese?

I feel half tempted  to mention the name of the place here,but shall content myself with saying Heyford Hill. Make of it what you will.

Happier news now, I am having a spurt of growth in the creative department, and am pressing ahead with making some business out of it all. I am, if you have been visiting here regularly have realised by now I am not very good at holding down employment. Well I can barely sack myself,  can I?

I don’t want to post anything art wise on this post, this does not mean I have been lazy. Far from it, I have simply played around with camera’s enough for one day and am feeling hungry, it is after all lunch time.

Instead I thought I would share a photo my best friend/Fiance took of me a couple of day ago. We aim to get all three of the cats involved at some point.

 

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BTW Jessica is my real name, and any idea’s of my being trans should not be entertained. I just happen to enjoy wearing women’s clothes.

 

Taking good care of yourself is a good idea

I have not been looking after myself of recent, Tonight’s training proved that. Normally I have a high pain threshold,tonight even small blows were agony and halted me in my tracks, I had to stop and surrender to resting and being honest with myself.  I have not been sleeping either waking up at ridiculously early times with only 4-5 hours sleep and not being able to go back to sleep. Sometimes I do not sleep at all, or it seems that way.

TBH I have been drinking a little too much of recent without any let up, apart from at work. Today I have had (and still have) the worlds worst hangover. I wake up feeling stiff and sore and my left hand side is wracked with pain when I awaken. I do not want sympathy, I need TLC and plenty of personal care.

I am glad I have found the space to do some writing, as I cannot paint at the moment, maybe from the alcohol or is it the time of year and it all just pisses me off. Xmas is never the best time for me. The whole thing pee’s me off. Probably the lack of sunshine. Maybe a combination of different factors. I ought to perhaps get out and do some gardening, rake up the leaves and get some fresh air in my lungs,having spent more than enough time indoors and very little out of may well be a factor.

In other things, I still have a job. (miracle) And I have gained a little more weight. ( The garden will help deal with that) Today I tidied up the spare room and rigged up the old desktop PC as a backup for the laptop. I shall be posting some artwork soon. A friend of mine recently died, at least she is free from pain and suffering now.