After having sorted through and printed out a whole long line of previous posts from here and got them organised into some kind of order. I am now going to tackle the big file that incidentally matches the the one I put the other work in and work through a large back log of creative writing and start putting it on board the laptop. First of all I have to translate the hieroglyphs that comprise my hand writing and then discipline myself enough to sit down and work.
That beastly horrid awful chair downstairs helps me stay up here and the dining chairs are a bit low for my work bench so I am staying up here come the evenings where I have a comfy chair and books to surround and inspire me, where needs be.
The other thing about sorting through things enables me to find stuff that goes with painted work which means I can finally put a couple of projects to bed, or do something useful with them. I look forward to completing those canvasses that are covered in the cigarette papers my brother gave me.
Glancing through this stuff some of it is quite rude and may have to carry a health warning, it goes with some of the art work I produced several years ago.
I may add some photo’s to this at some point, there again I may not.
I woke up this morning feeling like poo, its the result of drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, whisky this time cheap nasty Scotch which I really ought to have known better about.
I spent three days without a drink this last week and felt good for it. So it really was a little bit foolish starting again and to be honest I actually prefer sobriety it’s easier on my health and definetly (how do you spell that word?) easier on my wallet. I would prefer to live without this ego thing that I need a drink or three every night. Tea is perfectly good and has the added benefit of being able to walk straight and speak coherently after drinking it.
The best reason is of course giving up to support Jackie in her sobriety journey and the best way to do that is to be sober as well.
Perhaps it’s time to go and get some help.
Other news I seem to have lost the ability to draw and paint, I have lost interest in it at least temporarily, it’s probably a change in direction and has happened before so am not particularly bothered, creativity comes in many forms and it provides an opportunity to sit in a comfy chair be comfortable and give my legs a break. The pond is in a state of flux and is being re-done as is the cloak room ( the place in British homes, where we put our coats) is currently being redecorated, the textured paint is horrible stuff to remove and is not the kind of thing you can sand off. I am pretending the ceiling is not there cause it is rough horrible Artexing, I may just get a handy man to skim it flat and do the other technical stuff
And heaven knows I am not miserable now. (Apologies to Morrissey)
Did I mention, I do not have a job anymore? It is nothing unusual, the workplace and I do not seem to get along very well. Indeed the longest time I have held a job down for is a little over two years. At a rough reckoning I would say the average length of time between starting and finishing is 3-4 months. The longer lasting ones push the average up, the rest of them, bring it back down. I am best off being self employed, be my own manager. That way I can hardly sack myself, if I were to do so, I could be reinstated the next morning, or the same day. Who knows?
I am done with food, making it,selling it or having anything to do with it. (Apart from eating it) and most things retail can F**K OFF. I am considering sales (of what) and want to be an artist. I can honestly say not much else interests me. Give me something creative and worthwhile to do, a decent salary would help.
Not being in work, provides me with lots more time to study and paint. This I have to say is the best thing about being ‘unemployed’
So for the first time in a little while I am finding some time to write, it is important to remember that writing like painting is part of creativity, but does writing take the sting, the tension of painting? I do not know, I feel I am a better painter than a writer but that is because whatever I am writing soon dies a death whereas painting goes on. It’s just the subject matter that changes, painting is my preferred medium of self expression. Perhaps I ought write more.
So what has been going on, not much to be honest, work ‘forgot’ to pay me for two weeks and after 3 days of bad temper and a lot of emotional energy they coughed up, that meant I could feed the cats and get Mr. Ninja his much needed medication and that is all that I wanted to see done.
otherwise I am enjoying work, though I would rather be painting, I guess we cannot have everything, I would rather be working and have money than be painting and have next to nothing. Actually that is a lie I would rather be painting and be wealthy, sod stacking the shelves and checking the dates in those nasty cold fridges that make my nose run and torment my chest, making me cough and wheeze like an asthmatic Walrus.
This cold I have had of recent seems to have affected my chest something chronic and my nose is falling off. I do not like colds and their ilk.
Otherwise apart from work, I do not know who I am where I am going or what I am becoming I do not consider myself Male or for that matter Female. I think I am a human being or am I being Human? I would like it to be known I am a person, an individual.
I would like to be known as Jessica, at least. I shall be posting some artwork very soon.
It has been eight days now since I started the medication and eight days since I last drank any alcohol, It is a nice feeling not drinking and the fruit juice is a lot healthier.
I have not given up the drink entirely, I was gifted a bottle of nice Red for Christmas and there is a bottle of Cointreau which I bought on a whim a couple of weeks or so ago. They are both in the cupboard safe for another day.
The anxiety is almost under control, though it is lurking there in the background and does not like other road users or slow computers. I am now able to concentrate and work consistently throughout the day and get loads more done than I was managing previously.
However compared to how it was and for that matter how I was it is now negligible, though that is no reason to stop the medication just yet I suspect the road to recovery may be quite long here.
Creativity wise it would appear that writing has taken over from painting and as much as I enjoy painting this other form of creativity is better in any number of ways for the time being at least.
I miss her terribly, I miss her so much it hurts and when I ought to be knuckling down and working which I am, you see as she went into this dark place, I guess it was a case of doing too much too soon and what with her having Bi –polar it proved a little too much and coupled with her Aspergers it must have made things really stress full. Coincidentally I had managed to slice my arm up at work in fact I came home to her decision to cancel her trip over here that afternoon, she had had a deep conversation with her psychiatrist the previous evening, who seriously advised against travelling. I think she was more concerned for the bandaging around my forearm, than I was, to me it was an embuggerance to her it represented a whole lot more, everything that had happened the cancelled holiday, everything, in between laughing at the bandages and inspecting the photo’s of the scratch and recalling how it happened, she was crying her eyes out and what with my attempts at calming and reassuring her, maybe her anxiety was working overtime that day I don’t know. What was for certain my desire to kick myself for being a fool and letting myself into getting into this state was something else. The initial desire to kick myself for getting into this state was thwarted by the belief I had done enough damage without adding to it.
So it is better just to be productive or maybe even creative it may even do some good, cause right now I feel as grumpy as f&*% it’s like having this dark cloud hanging over my head and if I feel awful, God knows what it’s like in her shoes. My mood is not helped by the weather which for all the jokes about the weather in this country is really living up to its reputation it is almost so foul as to not want to go out at all yet there is stuff to be done and work to go to anything right now seems better than sitting around doing nothing and thinking about seeing if she has answered my last message the one I sent this morning even though I know she has not cause I checked less than five minutes ago and something says better take another look, She will read them in due course I am sure when she is out of that place and gets her phone back I know she hasn’t it’s not because she is not speaking to me, it’s because she is in hospital and not even in hospital over here it would not be half as bad if I could go visit her but that’s not the case cause right now my beloved is somewhere in Ithaca New York state and whilst Oxford is a beautiful city it is a million miles away or at least might as well be. We were due to be in each other’s arms this coming Monday and now that is not the case, it is not going to be so and that hurts when we are going to be in each other’s arms is another matter altogether she was entertaining September though the universe (Read credit union/bank) was not having it that way and that is probably just as well.
She said to me she ought to be ought within a week or so, part of me says be out sooner and that quiet steady voice says let her come out when she is ready. God knows but I am not really in any state to do much right now all I can think of is to just get on and do stuff not to worry and just be in the present as much as is possible which when there is not a ton of shit to think about is a fairly simple exercise, and when there is a ton of the brown stuff a well nigh impossible task but still it must be done and indeed it shall be done for that is the way forward. Worrying will gain nothing, nothing of any use so it is easier just to be and let things be, the sun will shine when the sun is ready to shine, everything happens for a reason, and these things have happened to make us stop and think to rest a while, relax, think things over and let things heal.
And all this week it is mental health awareness week, if you read this please say to her in your own way that I love her
This article is titled “untitled” simply cause right now there is nothing in my mind to fill that space, maybe it shall come later on.
I have recently started painting again after what has seemed like years when in fact it has been just a couple of months the main reason I guess is I am now studying for a degree and where this could take up a large amount of time it does not cause I am not the most dedicated of students still I enjoy the subject(s) I have chosen and that is what counts the most.
No the real reason for the lack of smearing various pigments across a canvas has been one of love pure and simple that of a new relationship that of getting to know someone special, someone kind gentle learning to be a better man to be a better person though work may well have something to do with that too you see after a long time of having no job I now have a job and after a fairly long time of being single that condition has been disqualified too and indeed as much as I enjoy writing I get the inspiration to write more and not just in terms of study but more on the creative side too. We have known each other since March probably/maybe earlier than that we have been seeing each other since April she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend.
The art of letter writing I mean a real old fashioned letter on paper or card with pen and ink with bits crossed out and spelling mistakes then finding the stamps to send it on its way it means so much more to give and receive in this way than some email.
I would accompany this writing with a painting and I shall its just not ready yet.