Apart from work and study and more work, one of my great loves is painting. Over the last couple of weeks I have been working at the easel. A few disasters have come out and they got thrown away; it would seem I have done enough nudes or, should I be honest and say naked women.
I heard the words of my fiancé in my ears, reminding that stuff cheapens my work. I do not think she was saying this because the subject matter upset her; she was being honest and I have to agree with her — from what was coming out of my brush, it was clear a change was needed.
A month or so ago, I was eating breakfast at my favourite café in Oxford city; it’s a ritual I have when I find myself there with time on my hands. It was one of those days that I decided to go rooting through my old emails — the archive, drafts and so on and there amongst the dross, which was subsequently deleted. With thirteen years or so of backlog, there was quite a lot of stuff to work through. During this, a couple of old photos cropped up: one that had been a long time forgotten and another that had been a long time lost.
We had a long, hot and particularly dry summer this year and many places saw localised fires, some of them set deliberately. One of those places was Saddleworth Moor, up in the North West of England. It was on this moor that the notorious Moors murderers buried their victims. However, that is another story. There is a photo of a woman walking up the road from this time; it is very dark from the smoke and she is wearing a gas mask. It’s an interesting image.
Of the other two, one was taken at a pub somewhere close by to here; maybe it was in Iffley. I was with my mate the bus driver.
Last but not least, there was the other picture. The one I had forgotten about; it was taken in the Basque country of Northern Spain at a painted forest art installation. It’s best viewed if you are not colour blind and your eyes work together, Still it was a nice sunny day and the company was good to.
I Like to do work with the Tarot, this system of divination can provide many insights into events and how one should go about seeking the best solution to matters that are on ones mind. Whilst this method has been in use since time immemorial it is also important to maintain an open mind and also accept that common sense may also have a part to play in ones decision making, you do not need a pack of cards to determine the outcome of approaching a venomous serpent!
So a week ago, I drew a few cards for my fiance and i and one card drawn was that of death the thirteenth card of the major arcana, it signifies in the final sense change, endings and upheaval not necessarily physical demise. We are both autistic me, with my fairer half having Asperger’s ( she takes things literally, sometimes very much so) As a result one does have to be careful how one phrases conversation, she took this card to signify the end of our relationship,or possibly so. I reassured her in my usual tactless fashion that this was not the case and she should not worry herself like this.
Three days ago, a lot of pent up frustration boiled over and I abruptly ended our beautiful partnership maybe it was the warm weather too much drink or simply not being very good at expressing myself emotionally, or a combination of all three whichever was responsible it was a horrible time and if i felt awful for all of this, then she felt it a hundred times worse.
Things are better now, we went to a concert in London last night and had a beautiful time, with one of my musical heroes, I think Jackie has now been converted too, even if we walked for hours in the heat and did not sit down or rest very much I have ADHD.
We are still an item and are planning the rest of our lives together and are speaking more than ever,whilst still enjoying the quiet times we have whilst pursuing our own unique autistic interests.
Did I forget to mention I closed down my old website to focus more on this one, we have also stopped drinking alcohol.
I miss her terribly, I miss her so much it hurts and when I ought to be knuckling down and working which I am, you see as she went into this dark place, I guess it was a case of doing too much too soon and what with her having Bi –polar it proved a little too much and coupled with her Aspergers it must have made things really stress full. Coincidentally I had managed to slice my arm up at work in fact I came home to her decision to cancel her trip over here that afternoon, she had had a deep conversation with her psychiatrist the previous evening, who seriously advised against travelling. I think she was more concerned for the bandaging around my forearm, than I was, to me it was an embuggerance to her it represented a whole lot more, everything that had happened the cancelled holiday, everything, in between laughing at the bandages and inspecting the photo’s of the scratch and recalling how it happened, she was crying her eyes out and what with my attempts at calming and reassuring her, maybe her anxiety was working overtime that day I don’t know. What was for certain my desire to kick myself for being a fool and letting myself into getting into this state was something else. The initial desire to kick myself for getting into this state was thwarted by the belief I had done enough damage without adding to it.
So it is better just to be productive or maybe even creative it may even do some good, cause right now I feel as grumpy as f&*% it’s like having this dark cloud hanging over my head and if I feel awful, God knows what it’s like in her shoes. My mood is not helped by the weather which for all the jokes about the weather in this country is really living up to its reputation it is almost so foul as to not want to go out at all yet there is stuff to be done and work to go to anything right now seems better than sitting around doing nothing and thinking about seeing if she has answered my last message the one I sent this morning even though I know she has not cause I checked less than five minutes ago and something says better take another look, She will read them in due course I am sure when she is out of that place and gets her phone back I know she hasn’t it’s not because she is not speaking to me, it’s because she is in hospital and not even in hospital over here it would not be half as bad if I could go visit her but that’s not the case cause right now my beloved is somewhere in Ithaca New York state and whilst Oxford is a beautiful city it is a million miles away or at least might as well be. We were due to be in each other’s arms this coming Monday and now that is not the case, it is not going to be so and that hurts when we are going to be in each other’s arms is another matter altogether she was entertaining September though the universe (Read credit union/bank) was not having it that way and that is probably just as well.
She said to me she ought to be ought within a week or so, part of me says be out sooner and that quiet steady voice says let her come out when she is ready. God knows but I am not really in any state to do much right now all I can think of is to just get on and do stuff not to worry and just be in the present as much as is possible which when there is not a ton of shit to think about is a fairly simple exercise, and when there is a ton of the brown stuff a well nigh impossible task but still it must be done and indeed it shall be done for that is the way forward. Worrying will gain nothing, nothing of any use so it is easier just to be and let things be, the sun will shine when the sun is ready to shine, everything happens for a reason, and these things have happened to make us stop and think to rest a while, relax, think things over and let things heal.
And all this week it is mental health awareness week, if you read this please say to her in your own way that I love her
This article is titled “untitled” simply cause right now there is nothing in my mind to fill that space, maybe it shall come later on.
I have recently started painting again after what has seemed like years when in fact it has been just a couple of months the main reason I guess is I am now studying for a degree and where this could take up a large amount of time it does not cause I am not the most dedicated of students still I enjoy the subject(s) I have chosen and that is what counts the most.
No the real reason for the lack of smearing various pigments across a canvas has been one of love pure and simple that of a new relationship that of getting to know someone special, someone kind gentle learning to be a better man to be a better person though work may well have something to do with that too you see after a long time of having no job I now have a job and after a fairly long time of being single that condition has been disqualified too and indeed as much as I enjoy writing I get the inspiration to write more and not just in terms of study but more on the creative side too. We have known each other since March probably/maybe earlier than that we have been seeing each other since April she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend.
The art of letter writing I mean a real old fashioned letter on paper or card with pen and ink with bits crossed out and spelling mistakes then finding the stamps to send it on its way it means so much more to give and receive in this way than some email.
I would accompany this writing with a painting and I shall its just not ready yet.